It has been over twelve years since I divorced my ex-husband, but somehow, I am still loving my ex. He still feels like a shadow in my life. We share five children together, and our history is messy, complicated, and painful. Our relationship was toxic from the very start. He drained me emotionally, he chipped away at who I was, and yet, even now, I catch myself feeling tied to him in ways I wish I wasn’t.
During our relationship, he had children with other women. Every time, I told myself it was my chance to move on. But the truth is, much of my life was spent in chaos with him, and even when I thought I was finally free, I wasn’t.
We split so many times that I lost count. When I became pregnant with my youngest daughter, who is now almost three years old, that was the last time. I told myself I was done for good.
Since then, I’ve been celibate. Almost three years of keeping myself away from intimacy, almost three years of trying to heal.
And then one night earlier this year, I gave in. I was lonely, craving closeness, and I called him. He came over. We were intimate again. That is how I slipped back into something I thought I had escaped.
It isn’t love this time. It isn’t even a relationship. It is just sex. But even though I know better, my heart is still tangled up in him.
That is the part that is hardest to admit.
Because I have met men who would treat me with kindness, men who want to look after me and give me the stability I deserve. But I find reasons to push them away.
I tell myself it is not the right time, I am not attracted to them, or that I am not ready. But deep down, I know it is because I am still loving my ex. As wrong as that is, as much damage as he has done, my heart refuses to let go. And the hardest part is that I am hiding this from everyone around me. I cannot even dare to let my children find out and i would never admit it to my friends. I am terrified of the judgement, so i carry this battle quietly on my own.
The truth is, I am still loving my ex, even when i know he is not good for me.
I want to be free. I want to build healthier love and finally open myself to the life I deserve. But it is not as easy as flipping a switch or cutting a cord.
He was my first love. He is the father of all my children. He is part of my story in ways I cannot erase.
And that is why I am writing this.
Because healing does not move in straight lines. Sometimes, even after years apart, even after therapy, even after learning the lessons, our hearts drag us back to the very places we swore we would never return to. Places we know are not good for us.
I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Many of us carry love for people who hurt us, even when our minds know better. We wonder why we can’t just shut it off, why the heart keeps pulling us back to what broke us.
The truth is, healing is not about pretending those feelings never existed. Healing is about learning to face them, accept them, and still choose a better future for ourselves. I am still loving my ex right now, but I believe every small step is leading me toward freedom.
But admitting it is a step. Speaking it out loud is a step. Writing it here is a step. And maybe, just maybe, every step brings me closer to finally letting go.
