Content Warning: This post describes experiences of mental health crisis, intrusive thoughts, and suicidal ideation. Please read with care. If you are struggling, support is available — in the UK call Samaritans at 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258. In the US call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
I discovered my husband had a secret family while I was seven months pregnant with our third child. That discovery shattered my world.
He moved out of our home, leaving me with two children to care for and a baby on the way. I gave birth not long after, and suddenly I was trying to manage the heartbreak, the betrayal, and the demands of motherhood with three little ones depending on me.
The Night Everything Changed
I remember the night everything changed. My husband came around one evening and stood in front of the mirror, carefully fixing his appearance and checking himself over.
It might sound like nothing, but watching him do that broke something inside me. I felt so angry and that intense emotion was like a switch being flipped.
In that instant I was different. I hated him. My thoughts sped up. While my heart felt shattered and I was barely holding on, his priority was his reflection, and that image stayed with me and set off everything that came after.
Sleepless Nights and Racing Thoughts
That night I could not sleep. My thoughts raced uncontrollably. My head felt heavy, like a dark cloud had settled over me.
I felt paranoid and uneasy, and the next day I still did not feel like myself. My mind was running constant conversations, thoughts battling against each other with no pause.
I did not sleep for several days in a row. Trying to care for three children while feeling this way was unbearable. That was the start of my first mental breakdown.
Seeking Help
During my son’s check-up, I told my family doctor that I believed I was experiencing a mental breakdown. I explained I could not sleep and felt out of control.
I was prescribed sleeping tablets and anxiety medication. I chose not to take the anxiety medication, but the sleeping tablets helped me finally rest after days of exhaustion.
I was advised not to take them without another adult in the house, but I had no choice. My children needed me to function. For about five nights I took the tablets, and they gave me the relief of sleep.
Reaching Out in Desperation
Even with the tablets, I felt desperate, I wanted help. I called social services and told them I could not cope. I even asked them to take my children because I felt I could not manage.
They came to the house, did an assessment, and reached out to my ex to see how they could support me. During the assessment I shared that I had been abused as a child, and they told me that I could have come to them back then for help and support.
I also contacted the psychiatric hospital and asked if I could admit myself. They told me to go to the emergency department for assessment.
At ED I was assessed and told I was dealing with stress, but I knew it was more than that. They asked if I was suicidal or if I had thoughts of hurting anyone. I said no, but the truth is I had.
At my lowest I thought about stepping into the road. I even threw a kitchen knife away because of the dark thoughts in my mind.
Paranoia and Fear
I became paranoid. If I saw the same person twice in a short time, I believed they were following me.
When I walked toward my flat, I imagined people watching me from the windows. I was mentally unstable, and it was terrifying.
Thankfully, support slowly began to build around me. Social services arranged nursery for my three-year-old. My oldest was already in school, and that gave me a small break to focus on the baby. I even got help with household chores.
Therapy and Recovery
I began seeing a private therapist who explained what was happening to me. She taught me how to change my thoughts from negative to positive and to visualise safe, happy places.
In the kitchen I would imagine myself at the beach. In the shower I would picture sunshine. I practised every day until it became a habit.
She also advised me to confront my aunt and ask her why she treated me so badly as a child, but I still have not been able to do this.
Recovery was not quick. If I am honest, it took me just over a year to feel like myself again.
The sleeping tablets gave me the rest my body desperately needed. Therapy gave me tools to manage my mind. Support services gave me practical help so I could keep going as a mother.
Slowly, I found my way out of my first mental breakdown.
Looking Back
Looking back, I know the breakdown was not a sign of weakness. It was the aftermath of abuse, betrayal, heartbreak, exhaustion, and the heavy load of single parenting. It was my body’s way of saying enough.
If you are going through a mental breakdown, please know you are not alone. Reach out for help, whether that is family, friends, your doctor, or support services.
Healing is possible, even if it feels slow and invisible. I am living proof of that.
I am still learning. I am still healing. But I am still here. And that counts for something.
If you are experiencing a mental breakdown or having thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out for help. Support is available and you are not alone.
